I am magically bad at timing the market.
I first started saving for retirement in early 2000, right before the dot com bubble started to burst. A year or so later it looked like things were starting to get better so I put my entire annual contribution limit in ... on September 10, 2001.
Since then I've given up trying to time things and just have a monthly automatic transfer into wide-ranging medium-growth funds. This strategy has worked well, especially over the last few years, but it's a little boring. That's why I recently put a little extra money into an investment account to play with the wackier and more entertaining parts of the market. I bought gold, which has been doing okay, but I also bought some Bitcoin and Ethereum – just in time for their years-long rally to end and for their value to drop by over 25%. My timing continues to be perfect!
A few weeks ago I noticed that Tesla was nearing $500 per share, and it made me angry. This is a ludicrous valuation for a company creating dud products and rapidly losing market share. It's also run by a drug-addled inveterate liar who gives Hitler salutes. Most public companies have a price-to-earnings ratio between 10 and 30, while Tesla's is frequently over 300. Elon Musk's power and wealth derive mostly from his Tesla stock, which means its insane overvaluation is actively making the world worse every day.
So I used my superpower for good: I invested in Tesla.
It didn't need to be a huge amount. I only put in C$500 worth, not even a whole share at that time.
And the stock has been plummeting ever since, down 13% since I bought it. I've already lost over $50. And I couldn't be happier.
This is what I like to call "Hate Investing": I buy shares in a company that I actively dislike. If the value goes down, I'm happy, and if the value goes up, well at least I made some money. It's a guaranteed win either way.
With my magical ability to drive down stock prices, I'm thinking of building out a whole "Hate Portfolio" made up of other overvalued stocks from evil companies like Palantir, Meta, Trump Media, and Oracle.
Maybe my terrible investing luck will help make the world a better place.
